For a while now I have been putting something off that has bothered me more than no other. I never understood how people could look at their body and hate themselves for the way it looks. I couldn’t fully grasp how you couldn’t feel confident with what God has given you.
Lately, I have been able to see it. I have looked at myself ashamed for how I have treated myself and my body and how I let myself go. I kept thinking I can just eat whatever I want and not have to worry. That’s what those Bondurant genes are for. We don’t have to do anything and we’ll be just fine. Little did I know that this soon wouldn’t be the truth for me.
I am now worrying about self image and hating my body.
Growing up I was so active. I played softball and basketball and that’s all I did. As I approached high school I stopped both sports completely because I wasn’t confident enough in myself to continue to do what I loved. As high school went on I found myself completely losing control of my body and getting so out of shape. When I was in middle school I could run for miles and have no issue. I hated running but I was fortunate enough to be in shape to be able to do it. I took that for granted.
Slowly my body reacted to how much I wasn’t doing. I wasn’t taking care of myself and this is something I never wanted to admit. I am so ashamed.
I got on the scale for the first time the other day in months. When I saw that number I wanted to cry. I couldn’t believe that I let myself go and treated my body so badly. I looked at myself in disgust. Days before, I remember looking in the mirror and picking out each and every flaw and spots where I knew I needed to lose the weight.
This isn’t a post where I am wanting people to comment and say “Blair you’re so skinny, you don’t have any weight to lose” or “What fat are you talking about”. I hate hearing people say those things to me because they don’t see what I see and what I have slowly struggled with.
I’ve decided I’m ready to take control of my body and get back to where I used to be. I’m ready to be able to run again. Slowly but surely I will be able to run a mile with no problem but it will take time. I don’t expect to feel 100% overnight but I do know that I don’t want to shame myself forever for how I feel.
God has been a huge light in my life lately and He has really tested my faith. I know I can do all things with Him. I just need to trust God fully and pray that I can constantly encourage myself to work hard.
It felt so good going for a walk/run with Nathan. I took it slow and gave myself little checkpoints for how far I would run and then walk. It’s going to be a process but I’m ready.
I love having Nathan by my side to encourage me and love me no matter what. He constantly praises me for trying so hard and accomplishing what I thought I couldn’t. I told him at the beginning of all this to not let me eat a ton of sugar and to help me watch what I eat. Well chocolate is my biggest weakness and any time I feel like reaching for it he’s there to make sure I put it down. I sometimes regret making him my accountability partner… haha!
All of this is more about treating my body right and eating the right way rather than losing a bunch of weight. Will it be a bonus if I do? Of course. But I just want to be able to feel good again and be able to walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like I’m going to have a heart attack. Yes, sometimes it’s that bad.
I will continuously pray for God to give me strength and perseverance to get back to where I want to be. To feel healthy again and to be able to do anything I put my mind to.