As school approaches in the next few weeks, my anxiety is at an all time high. I have been out of school for a year and I can honestly say I didn’t miss it one bit.
During my senior year of high school I made the decision I was going to take a year off of school and just work. I have been working as a nanny since August of last year and I have loved it. Whenever people talked about college and where they were attending I just had no interest in it. All throughout school I had a hard time. I don’t know if I just didn’t put enough effort into it or if I really didn’t care. Who knows? But I do know that failing was my biggest fear.
My freshman year was so hard for me. There was so much going on in my personal life along with everything at school. It was a whole new world and it definitely took a toll on me. The beginning of the school year I lost my grandpa and after that things just went down hill. I think my biggest regret was not playing softball and basketball. I was so passionate about those two sports and that was all I really played growing up. I loved it so much. I let my fear get to me. I was so afraid of playing with new people and feared every aspect of it. I ended up getting involved in sports medicine where I made new friends I loved so much. They were all like family to me. Sports med became my own thing.
By the end of freshman year I basically failed every single class I had. No one knew about the things I went through that year. It was so hard and so embarrassing and I never told anyone anything. This is the first time I’ve ever talked about that time in my life. From that year forward all I did was play catch up. I had additional classes, classes online and summer school. I worked my butt off to graduate and get my diploma.
The day of graduation I was surprisingly emotional. I always told myself I wouldn’t cry and I was so happy to get out of high school but walking through those doors with your entire graduating class hits you so hard. All I could think was, I did it. Everything I did paid off. When I look back now I wish I didn’t let things get to me my first year of high school. Mentally I just wasn’t there. I didn’t care about anything. It took until my junior year for me to really get myself together and that year was the best for me all around. I finally had an amazing group of friends I loved. We made so many memories I will never forget. That same year I started dating Nathan. From there on out everything was so much better. I felt like myself again.
As I get ready to start this journey in college all I can hope is that I won’t have that fear of failure. It has set me back from doing so many things and I am tired of feeling that way. I am constantly praying that God will get me through this and that I won’t be so hard on myself. I came across this verse one day while reading my bible. It’s short and sweet but means so much to me. (Psalm 46:5 God is within her, she will not fall.) It’s a constant reminder that as long as I have Him, everything will be okay.